Saturday 30 November 2013

Longimanus Artaxerxes I

What defines a man? Imminence and waiting are less parallel than I would like to imagine. How often is the desired outcome undoubtedly coming my way? I feel uncomfortably somnolent right now. The outcome exists inside the mind, but the mind does not exist outside the self. Then again, perhaps the outcome was observed from a place that was outside the mind at some point in space and time, making the mind nothing more than a butterfly net. Yes, that makes enough sense for now. To quote René Descartes - "I think; therefore I am." Question! What is more vexatious: overzealous atheists or overzealous theists? Hold on for just a second though - I would not be, if it were not for God. At the very least, there is a possibility that the mind exists outside the body, because God exists outside my body and I am nothing in and of myself. What defines a woman?

Friday 29 November 2013

The Ontological Argument

This is Alvin Plantinga's version of the ontological argument - in a restated format.

I discovered it through the following video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MO-bTsMZQFQ&list=PL48F0C019551ADD08

1. It is possible that a maximally great being exists.

2. If it is possible that a maximally great being exists, then a maximally great being exists in some possible world.

3. If a maximally great being exists in some possible world, then it exists in every possible world.

4. If a maximally great being exists in every possible world, then it exists in the actual world.

5. If a maximally great being exists in the actual world, then a maximally great being exists.

6. Therefore, a maximally great being exists.

Wednesday 27 November 2013

Excruciation

The thought keeps on coming back to me "What made Jesus' death the most painful?" Crucifixion may be very uncommon now, and was even removed from the Roman Empire in 337, yet it still happens in places such as Saudi Arabia. What made Jesus' crucifixion more painful than any other human's extreme case(s) of suffering?

My initial answer would be something along the lines of: "Jesus was separated from the Father, and was the only human to truly go through Hell on earth." Was Jesus separated from God, the father? 


John 10:28-30 says ...and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. I and the Father are one.

If Jesus and the Father are one, than how could they be separated? That being said, there is also the verse in Matthew 27 that reads About the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me?”

I highly doubt that Jesus was simply being melodramatic, and that it only felt like God had forsaken him. Jesus was forsaken by God. Why? Jesus went through Hell so that we could avoid it. When I say Hell I do not mean suffering on earth - our suffering only equates to being shards of Hell. And as Romans 8:18 tells us, For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

But if Jesus went through Hell for us, than why do we suffer at all? Is Hell the origin of suffering? If it is, does that mean that it is sinful to suffer? Does that mean that it is sinful to feel pain?

How can earth be like Heaven (Matthew 6:10) when we suffer? Revelation 21:3 seems to suggest that suffering is not present in Heaven ... And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”

Earth will never be like Heaven. It just cannot be ... can it? Is suffering outside of God's will? 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 says:

For this is the will of God, your sanctification; that is, that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each of you know how to possess his own vessel in sanctification and honor, not in lustful passion, like the Gentiles who do not know God; and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things, just as we also told you before and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification. So, he who rejects this is not rejecting man but the God who gives His Holy Spirit to you.

Nowhere in this does it say that suffering is outside of God's will. I suppose it should be quite obvious to me that pain is not outside of God's will, since Jesus was crucified on the cross. But my real question ... is it wrong to suffer now? Is it wrong to feel pain now? I have such trouble picturing God having sympathy for us - I doubt that God still hurts for us, that God still understands. If Jesus really did suffer the most painful death, than why would God feel sorry for us now? Why should he? I find all of this to be quite spiritually crippling. I fear that God does not want us to feel, that God has no sympathy for our hurting, that it is overly melodramatic to say that we are suffering. Perhaps we don't even really suffer at all. God may just be shaking his head at all of us. He does not care, he just wants us to get over it. Simple as that. I do not want to believe that, but a part of me does believe that.

It seems like the question has already been answered. SUFFERING IS NOT FREAKING WRONG, GRAHAM. IT WAS NOT WRONG THEN, IT IS NOT WRONG NOW, IT WILL NOT BE WRONG IN THE FUTURE. STOP IT!

I have trouble accepting that as an answer though. I have such trouble believing that God understands, that God cares, that we have felt enough pain to say that we are suffering. Is suffering just having pity on ourselves? Is that what God thinks? Does he want us to be emotionally neutral at all times?  I do not know, I just cannot bring myself to believe in a God that is still caring. What has stopped me from reaching that point?

Monday 25 November 2013

Sacred Stones

Are many people under the impression that life and death are sacred? I am under the impression that many people do hold those beliefs. But which of the two do people believe as being more sacred? I suppose I should also ask: are either of them really sacred? I never thought of sacredness as being accessible to all humans. Maybe accessible is not the right word to use? Perhaps what I mean to say is: I never thought of sacredness as being accessed by all humans.

And life and death are accessed by all existing humans. Every human is of course alive, and every human must also die. It is not even a matter of choice - once you are in, YOU ARE IN.

There is a common quote that says "everyone loves you when you are dead."

Is love attached to sacredness? When somebody dies, they receive a funeral - or do they? Who is really receiving the funeral - the audience or the soul that left the world? Death, to some, is an existence. To others, death is an exit.

I did not intend to find an answer through writing this. Therefore, I must ask ... why do people believe that life and death are sacred?


* Painting by Martin Wittfooth

Friday 22 November 2013

Firsthand and Seconds Away

If you're going to let me down, would you at least do it with some ease? There's no knowing how long the hallway of life may be. Every soul has the chance to see light and darkness, but time ultimately exists in His hands. Life is like a dark hallway - not pitch black, but dark nonetheless; a progression toward a visible glow. Or at least, a progression toward a visible representation of the Glow, but not the Glow in and of itself. What I mean to say is, a physical progression toward the representation - we can see the representation, but not God in his fullness (John 1:18). God is the Glow - yet to be seen by those on the Earth. Not to be seen on the Earth, but to be seen in the Heavens.

This isn't to say that every life is a walk toward the Glow. But I believe in the opportunity to walk toward the Glow, and that's what I'm after (so I think). Ask God what I'm after, He knows better than I do. I think that everybody has that opportunity. That's for God to say though.

I forgot to mention: pictures. Pictures hang on the walls. Memories that stand inside of frames. Not just stand - but shout, scream, jump, reach, hold, listen. Listen ... but maybe, maybe a person cannot accurately see memories until they are approaching death? But that is only a mystery. Only a mystery ... mysteries are what drive people to search! What do you mean "only mysteries?" You're lame. I know.

To be carried down the hallway, and glance at everything that once was. While the carrier has cold feet, my hands are burning, for I only hang onto air. These empty fists that burn with failed expectations.

I was inspired through this video to write some of the things which I wrote ...

Thursday 21 November 2013

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Observing the vast amount of objects in existence has the ability to make a person lonely. People are lonely because the earth is crowded. How ironic is that? Maybe it is not as ironic as I would like to think. Could loneliness exist without crowdedness? Could crowdedness exist without loneliness? What do you know, I am drawing comparisons again. It is like I stated earlier: it is all about comparisons. What am I trying to say here? I am not quite sure. I ... uh (straightens tie) ... just wanted to talk about loneliness. But there is a reason that I wanted to talk about loneliness. I do not believe that anything "just is" - with the exception of God - HE IS. I think it is important that we ask ourselves: why are we lonely?

Wednesday 20 November 2013

Godspace

Oh my God, my mind is elsewhere ... but what is elsewhere? Else + where = many places, away from where my mind ought to be. Yes, I do believe that there is a place where my mind is intended to be. /God's intentions/ Then again, what is the mind? Would there be a mind without a brain? What would my mind be if I had nothing to sense? Or at the very least, nothing for my mind to physically sense. Let us imagine that there were no objects to occupy the space inside my mind - would this indicate that I did not have a mind? Perhaps the mind is nothing on its own. Perhaps the mind is a home to every single observation made and reserved. But how did that home come about? Did society make my mind? No, it did not. God made my mind, and although objects obtained through society may linger inside my mind, it is intended to be God's space. As I have mentioned before, I think the two ultimate creators are God and Satan. God made the space ... but why? My eyes have shied away from the pages written for me, and as time melts away, my vigor dies along with it.

Monday 18 November 2013

Crumbling

To breathe the air, to crumble, to build, and study from personal experience, all while holding this inner intention of finding meaning in life? A study of rivers, of tales, of events that flowed through you. Or, quite possibly, events that flowed through others to you. Or ... to search for the meaning of life itself, without apparent action, so you can learn what breathing is, so you can learn how to crumble, and how to build? A study of self, apart from the intention of glorifying the self. Instead, a discovery of an inner brokenness, with the intent of finding a builder. But does the builder look upon either with fondness? Who does God see with favour? Many do not want love, but admiration. Some live so they can know how to ponder, and some ponder so they can know how to live. In the end though, God does not like anybody.

Come, Parisians

Did I find an answer in regards to my questions about comparisons?

Few things will steal your joy faster than comparing yourself to others. You'll either become prideful and unkind, or insecure and unhappy.
- Mattie Montgomery

Sunday 17 November 2013

Blades of Silence

...She never thought that sharpness could heal dullness. It was only until she thought to herself as the days grow dull, the pains of sharpness lose their power that she could dance with such liberty. The unknown monotony that only conjures up circular arguments. Sharpness is an occasional agent - never intended to be brought to life every single day. If sharpness is brought to life every single day, then sharpness becomes another kind of dullness. Dullness is a matter of repetition. Does the darkened casket laying in the field ascend when dusk takes the light away? Shadows do not take the light away, they simply cover the light. Shadows are blankets - cold, dark, and veiled. Darkness and light are both eternal. Sharpness does not take dullness away permanently, but it is a replacement for a finite amount of time. Or maybe, maybe it is only a distraction? Blades of silence...

Saturday 16 November 2013

The Starving

Must a wolverine see a starving woman to know that he eats well? Must a wolverine know what it truly means to eat well? Must a wolverine continue to grow fur in order to stay warm? His fur shall be slain as the seasons fade with time. Oh, lonely wolverine.

It's all comparisons, you know. Your relief versus my relief. Your pain versus my pain. Your elation versus my elation. Your sorrow versus my sorrow. God's thoughts versus man's thoughts. God's thoughts juxtaposed with the Devil's. Or maybe we are the devils?

Should we compare our circumstances? Is Monsieur Comparison a tyrannous, blood thirsty man who makes the buildings of day crumble? Is he a gentleman who places the bricks right where they belong, under the moon's glow at night? Is he somewhere in between these two depictions? When will the old man come around?

How can I avoid comparing? If I have knowledge of anything that's in contrast with my own experience, or maybe even parallel to my own experience, I will place it beside my own experience. Is my own experience my own experience?

Ninety Nine



Friday 15 November 2013

Que dois-je faire maintenant?

And I am left alone again. I suppose it only makes sense for left and alone to be used in the same sentence. Nobody says that they are "left in company," they say that they "remain in company." You left me. And where do I remain? Alone. But truly, I do not remain alone. For if I were to remain alone, I would not have mentioned being left in the first place. Remaining = consistency. And no, I do not wade through cyclical, ever pouring, river-esque loneliness. I sink, swim, rise. And then ... I sink, and I swim, and I rise. I was wrong, my loneliness is somewhat cyclical. But it is not chronic. It is my clumsy attempt at climbing the ladder in God's workshop. I always picture the workshop as being unkempt and dusty. Perhaps the window of God's workshop is the window into my own soul? Up, and up, and up (I'm so high!) ... oh, time to go back down. You must now touch the floor with your feet. I climb down and stand upon the profound recognition of a weakened, and blemished humanity. I climb up, only to squint at the abstract, perfect, and supernatural God. It is a wearisome task to utter the word perfect. I have yet to witness perfection. If God is my witness (Romans 1:9), and God is perfect, than why haven't I witnessed perfection? The carapace of human knowledge is not enough to keep me safe. Well, what would I need to be kept safe from? I don't know, and that's my problem - the fear of the unknown. I shouldn't say that I don't know. It's a monger of sorts. I see a silhouette, but I don't know the figure in full. What scares us more, what we know or what we don't know? We are scared to discover things that we do not know, about things which we perceive to know, and are therefore worried that these discoveries will ruin aspects of that perception. Not only are we afraid that these discoveries will ruin aspects of that perception, but we are especially worried that they will completely erase the heart of that perception. Still waiting.

Thursday 14 November 2013

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

I do not understand how any action can deserve an eternity spent in Hell. I guess I am not to lean on my own understanding though (Proverbs 3:5) Jesus Christ, please give me the understanding to properly approach this topic I am wrestling with - if you see to it.

the master of that slave will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour which he does not know, and will cut him in pieces and assign him a place with the hypocrites; in that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

Tuesday 12 November 2013

Why do we suffer?

Why do we suffer? I have heard different responses to this question, but I have never exactly heard an answer. I have never heard of an absolute solution to the question. Or at least, I have not felt the effects of the absolute solution. I could say it is God. I feel quite confident in that answer. But how do I feel confident in the answer when I have not felt the effects of what I perceive to be the answer? Reality and feeling are two different things. Yes, God is Reality, and God is Eternal, and Feeling is Finite, so Reality must be Eternal. I have not found an absolute solution for myself. Well, I have not felt it. Or maybe I have? Anyway, I am distant from the feeling tonight. This is more than a case of wondering; it is a search for healing during times of despair. But do I want the suffering to end? In some ways, I do. I HATE ANXIETY. But I do not have such a problem with sadness. No, with sadness come calmness. With sadness comes the quiet. I am fearful of sadness ending. Maybe it is not sadness in and of itself that I am fearful of losing, but what I obtain through sadness: the calmness. I may very well be afraid of losing sadness for that reason. I think I want to be calm. But I do not want to find peace where the others find peace. I desire something more esoteric, in theory. Who said I was not lying though?

Gloom of the Soul

Gloom of the soul
A cold sort of iron
and it's not in my blood

Discursive yet consistent
my rivers of saliva
drown bodies of reason

Yet my silence is so empty
my barren plains of solitude
the place where bodies starve

Gloom of the soul
Pour to feel poor
shackled to hold the crimes hostage

If Jesus bled on my behalf
then why is there blood on my hands?

Sunday 10 November 2013

Killing Time

A friend once told me
"Our demons are most apparent on Sunday"
And I was fascinated, so I listened

Another friend told me
"We lay on our beds and untangle our thoughts"
And as I laid there, I remembered

I saw that it was true
Time does not kill my eyes,
time rejuvenates them

And as I slept I found
that the very thing which wakes me up,
the very thing which keeps me alive,
was the very thing that made me think of death

I found death in a dream
and realized it is real
I found death in a dream
and realized life was real too

Wednesday 6 November 2013

Deception / Reception

I stare deeply into the eyes of the world
and see love as it sees love
From its pupils fall tears of grace
and I have yet to swim its hollow seas

The mind of the man is weakened
as the world stands up tall
The world says to love
yet the lover is left alone

Of grace and guilt
of love and lust
Your grace is a guile
and your love is a lie

The world knows not love
the world knows deception

I bask in memories
while resting behind stained glass
And from the pulpit fall the thoughts
of a once forgotten God

My memories become silent
as I realize where I am
Your grace is a smile
and your love is a life

Sunday 3 November 2013

f.a.i.t.h.

I am still waiting for you.

My expectancy ends up being emptiness,

but without expectancy I ...

I am left with disbelief.

And with disbelief I lack in faith,

and with a lack of faith I lack anything to hold.

What is faith if I am not faithful to ANYTHING?

I am faithful to expectancy, and not God.

I am faithful to SOMETHING.

Looks like I put my faith into the wrong elements.

Though I see myself in the mirror, I eventually turn around and look the other way.

But turning around and looking the other way does not indicate that I am no longer what I once saw in that mirror.

It only means that I do not see myself for who I really am.

Friday 1 November 2013

Life is running out

Life is cyclical - I mean, how many times have I asked the exact same questions on this blog? There's no resolve for those who seek to solve problems through reason.

Oh, if you could only grasp the problem I face. You probably see me for what I am - but do you know that I need you? I can't believe I just said that. I should only need God, not people. Why do I want people so badly?

I only talk to God to feel like I'm talking to myself. I dare not say that I hate praying, but it is tiring. Prayer and talking to God makes me weary. In what way can I sense that God is listening? I'm finite, and he's everlasting. We are oh so different! How could we possibly be able to connect?

The further away I am from you, the closer I realize you lay to my heart. How many times can I open up and let the blood flow without you growing weary? How many times can I spill without being washed out?

I like honest discussion. I like being honest. I have great people to talk to. Thank you God that I have good people to talk to. But who am I to these people? Do they like talking to me? If so, why do they like talking to me? And do I exemplify Christ when I talk to these people?

No matter how much I hurt for you, I can never seem to express all my care through words ... and that hurts. And for the times that I do express myself, my sincerity is likely masked by being utterly cliche.

It's so odd for me to weep, but it's not something that I desire to be so distant from. God, why can't I weep? Though I beg to weep, there's no life unto my tears. They simply lay dead behind my eyes. I would love to say that I cried for you. I am so eager, and I have many toxins to release. My tears come through my writings, but I just want for some REAL tears to come running out.