Friday 31 October 2014

The Irony of Assumptions and Judgments

Don't make assumptions! You shouldn't judge others! There are more to these phrases than meets the proverbial eye, especially the myopic eye. These phrases don't mean to avoid assuming or judging at all costs; rather, the meaning found within is to not assume or judge with negativity. When people say these things, they are implicitly giving the person being judged the benefit of the doubt, which is in nature a positive assumption or judgment.

Friday 24 October 2014

Understand

The present really is the most painful thing to me. There must be an element of the human spirit that knows how to read present occurrences better than anything else. Perhaps there's even an element that reads past occurrences better than anything else? Future occurrences? They read books, we read books, they exist in bodies, we exist in libraries.

There's a mammoth temptation inside. Inside this temptation is an ardor for basking in memories. Memories have become my joy.

And yet, I don't spend as much time as I'd like basking in memories. I have a fear toward this desire of mine. Solomon said not to beg for the days gone by.

And here I am examining myself again, I think. But can I truly examine myself. If I and myself are the same thing, how is this examination possible? Can any one thing examine itself? Analyzing words can be very dull, which I just demonstrated.

Isn't it pathetic when ephemeral things become our joy? Joy should be divine. Joy should be God made. Joy should be eternal.

For awhile now, I've been thinking about how selfish my writings are. Tonight I finally feel some regret as I sit here writing about myself. Looking inward can be so mesmerizing at times - the ecstasy of self-consciousness!

But is it good? Ethics and morality should never be subordinate to desire and pleasure. Oh look, it's my inner zealot who will likely disappear in a matter of 10 minutes.

Self-examination has its share of sorrow too, however. But is that so wrong? Perhaps I feel sorrow when I look at myself because I recognize my own spiritual waywardness? And with this learning, I could find resolves. That sounds plausible.

I have somehow managed to will this dark night of the soul. I do not stumble under a sky of new clouds; I comfortably will the existence of these clouds - a vain passion over Godly reason. Why am I doing this to myself?

If only I had eyes to see the God that my heart so desperately wants to love.

Apparition Chair

I had never found this chair occupied before. There was a slight feeling of hesitation when I glanced around the corner. But there it was, just as I expected, empty. I walked toward, collapsing into the chair. Nothing could take this chair away from me. Certainly not the people below whom I was looking at from the unusually skinny window nearby! I was on the second floor. And then I felt. It was obvious to me, unlike most of my other feelings. It wasn't just a banal surrounding, but it was pungent in terms of being. It started at the head and found its way to my legs.

These formerly dense bones have turned into withered feathers. The birds have forgotten how to fly. The sky holds me up, even though I have no understanding of its hands. I knew this could take me under no matter what I willed. The will did not matter, but how was that so? The words on the page had lost all readability. I no longer wanted to think about what I normally liked to think about. This spirit was taking over!

There's a loss of significance when I think about these chromosomes hiding in their cells, hiding even deeper in my body. They're these little arachnids blanketed by carapaces. And then I find myself practicing metacognition, where my fears wage war against authenticity. I have no thoughts, just neurons firing inside of my brain. I have no mind, I only have a brain. I have no spirit, I am just a sum of material parts - a collection of spinning cogs! This is a practice of horror, this reevaluation of things that I don't even believe in.

Thursday 16 October 2014

The Darkness

The blood moon hangs in the sky to remind all star gazers of the danger that is wandering. Blood covers the doors to remind those who enter of the terror that must be brought upon them. Oh, how The Great I Am desires to forgive! I trust that He does. Exasperation is a thief - my energy being stolen for the sake of passion. It's the only passion that so obviously violates me, or at least, where I sense the actuality of the violation. And violation is ugly, but I won't hide the ugliness, because one day I won't even consider hiding. It's futile.

How can they think that the world is beautiful? It's a perverted obsession with aesthetics. You praise your wandering, yet you can't admit that your quest has no end. Oh, the vanity! You aren't even on a quest, you just pretend that you are! You're lazing in l'obscurité.

These days have been silent. My visions of the holy have vanished. I seem to be the most apparent thing to myself when others aren't distracting me. I feel sad when I see strangers walking by. We relate, but we deny any relation.

O Lord, how can I speak with grace in the presence of demons? Is it your will for me to speak of evil in the same way that I speak of good? May these words not choke the faith that I do have.

I can't seem to help but fear this state that I am writing in. With emotional pain comes physical pain - can I just have the first one? I don't know why physical pain seems so much more gruesome than other types of pain, but it does.

Friday 10 October 2014

What Causes Mental Illness?

This is a mindful exploration that I have wanted to begin for awhile now. Not to say that I haven't been exploring already, I have, but this is the transition from non-physical thoughts to physical documentation. I want for my writing to contain some structure to it. It probably won't, but at the very least you'll be able to sense that I tried, insofar as my will may succeed.

The topic that I will be looking at today is mental illness. I think about mental illness every day, so it's an idea that holds space in my mind. For the sake of background information, I was prescribed SSRIs around a year and a half ago for moderate anxiety and depression. For those who might be curious, I took the drug for a very short period of time and no longer take it. Ever since this moment occurred in my existence, I've developed a deep fascination toward this subject.

Some thoughts on the matter shall be written out below. I know that this is a sensitive subject, so I hope that this writing will find the reader well. I do not intend for this writing to be condescending toward those who may disagree - it's simply a personal belief after all, which could very well be inaccurate. I do not claim certainty on a lot of the thoughts that will be shared. This is not intended to be academic, as this entry adheres to the non-formal creative writing format.

I suppose the most basic question to ask would be: what is a mental illness? "A mental illness is a medical condition that disrupts a person's thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning."

Two words in that definition catch my attention: illness and medical. You might be thinking to yourself "Well, that's strange. Why would these words catch your attention? Especially illness, as it's right in the term 'mental illness.'" I find that both words catch my attention because words such as illness and medical usually refer to physical body concerns.

This brings me to a question: are all mental properties physical? And from here I have even more questions to address. Do people have both a physical brain and a non-physical mind? Do people only have a physical brain? With the assumption that the physical brain is the totality of mental properties, it would be easy to say that all mental properties are physical.

Many would infer that a mental illness is purely a physical problem. People with said belief might say that a mental illness is nothing more than a chemical imbalance inside of the physical brain.

However, as someone who believes in the reality of spiritual things, I think that this is one of the greatest faults of secular psychology - this idea that all mental properties are physical. I should also say that I am especially concerned as a Christian. I don't intend to delve too deeply into Biblical theology here, but with my conviction that The Bible is the Word of God, I certainly hold a conviction that immaterial parts such as the mind, the heart, and the soul are intrinsic to human beings because the Bible talks about the actuality of these things. Is it possible that the non-physical mind, heart, and soul could have some cause in the case of mental illness?

Make no mistake, I am not trying to say that all mental illnesses go beyond chemical imbalances. Perhaps a chemical imbalance really is the root of mental illness in some circumstances. But nevertheless, I am still left with many doubts and questions. What is the basis for determining a chemical imbalance? Is that basis trustworthy? Why is it assumed that just because particular chemistry can be observed inside of the physical brain, that that particular chemistry is the very origin of the mental illness itself? Is there something that causes neurotransmitter imbalances?

So what's the conclusion of the matter? I believe that the physical brain is perhaps connected with the non-physical mind, heart, and soul. And with that belief I think it's vital to be careful with how mental illness is responded to. All said and done, I'm unable to provide an actual conclusion though.

Thursday 2 October 2014

Trying To

Observation seems just as worthwhile as involvement. When I ponder the origin of relations, it seems to me that observation must have come before involvement. There is some degree of will involved in any form of involvement, n'est pas? No separate things just happen to become involved with one another. Internal observation happens before acted out involvement happens. I loathe involvement. I shouldn't at this point because I view myself as being an existentialist. I must be an existentialist within an anti-existentialist? My actions are opposite to my desires. I must be a modern day Paul. Or Thomas, perhaps?

Nobody truly fears the unknown. Of course, you can hold a fear toward something without knowing what it is. But you cannot fear the unknown in and of itself. If something is unknown to you in every plausible way, then how could you have a fear toward it? The unknown has no presence whatsoever toward individuals. I think that people fear possibilities, seeds already sown within their minds, but I do not think that people fear the unknown.

You know, it's not as useless as it might initially seem to think about the barns you see in the countrysides. They could be paper mache facsimiles after all! You think you know that they are barns, but do you know? I have used the word "know" nine times in this entry. Now I have used it ten times. Thanks Alvin Goldman for inspiring me to think about the actuality of the barns I see in the countrysides - I'll try to be better than Henry. I was going to write some angst-ridden words against you, but I have since put them aside. How could I stay angry at such charming philosophy?

People think it's good to laugh, but how many of the things commonly laughed at are good to laugh at? The sad truth is that there just isn't much regard for ethics and morality in entertainment. I wonder what people laughed about in Biblical times? Based on the verses I know that mention laughter, people laughed in mockery toward other people, laughed in a state of drunkenness, laughed in doubt of God, and laughed in awe of God. God laughed sometimes too. Although, I'm not sure why. I'm even less sure than I was before. However, it seems that God was laughing at his own creation in a mocking sense. God really isn't for some of us, it seems. I can't blame him for laughing, humans are fools. There's not an iota of secular humanism in that statement.

I want to be a shape. I am trying to be a shape. I want you to be a shape. You seem repulsed at my request for you to be a shape, is that true?