Matthew 16:25 "For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."
So many people describe Christian spirituality with words like "peace" and "joy", but I just don't see that in this verse. Lose my life? Well, which part of it am I supposed to give up? Lose my life for your sake? What is your sake, God? I never felt such lows until I gave my life to you (if I even did that), so am I suffering for God-honoring reasons? I hope so, because I'd hate it if I had just done this to myself. It wouldn't be worth it to build my own freaking box (and climb inside) and not be able to escape from it. Where is this returning depression coming from? I want a life away from flawed physicality, replaced with some beautiful consistency instead. I want spiritual life. I want for time to stop. Searching for you is exhausting.