Friday, 28 June 2013

The Confrontation

This is my journey through existentialism; a journey where confusion forms an invasion upon my placement in this world. I am being broken down into pieces. 

That's a cliche way of putting it, I know. (Sigh) What's the point of sounding intricate anyway? Words are simply non-existent symbols that have ideas attached to them. 

There has been a lot going on for me the past while. It's been emotional, it's been physical, it's been mental, it's been spiritual. My eyes are becoming teary as I write this out. God, I've just got to talk to you. 

That's what I'm realizing through these tribulations: how important it is to keep in contact with God. I'm in my wilderness again. I know that I'm hurting, but am I hurting for the right reasons?  I don't want to hurt or disappoint other people. I don't want to let people down. I do both of those though. 

I have so many vain thoughts about others, and I know that these thoughts are not Christ-like, but how can I destroy them? 

The better question: how can God destroy these? But God, will you even destroy these? I thought that more people were like me, and I thought that everybody else's mind worked like mine? 

Don't all humans have condescending thoughts about themselves, and nearly every other person that they've met? I have those thoughts. 

It doesn't make me joyful that I have such evil inside of my mind. It tears me up inside. To struggle with the negativity I have toward other people for the rest of my life: that's a very frightening thought. I'm not all negativity though, and I like certain parts about people. I don't want to be a misanthropist; I want to love other people. 

But what if my love toward people turns into a love for humans over God, and brings me to the point of loving Sin that is found in each and every person? I would say that's something worth being concerned about. 

Christ is the one who loves. He's the one who loves without conditions. I need to focus on Christ. Perhaps I don't even know what love truly is. The Devil and God are raging inside of me. 

Who cares about happiness, what is joy? Where is God's peace, you know, that one that transcends all human understanding? I'm not comfortable inside of my own skin. 

My goal is Heaven, and I know that's the wrong goal. My goal should not be the gifts, but my goal should be The Giver.

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