It is not a matter of me having trouble admitting this to myself. If I were to have the thought about THAT, and proceed to say that I could not "admit this to myself" than I would be lying. I cannot say that "I am having trouble admitting this to myself" because the very act of making such a statement suggests that I simply do not want to admit, which I am doing. If you recognize the trouble of admitting, you have admitted. I am admitting. I am admitting. I am admitting. On the other hand, I am obstructed from finding reconciliation. That is the predicament! I have admitted, but I have not found reconciliation. What drives me to stay awake? I dream of the morning at night. That headache, those potential red marks under my eyes, the ache in my bones. Understand that I do not like what I do. I may do things because I once liked them, but that does not mean that I like them in the present moment. I am not you, and that is rather saddening. But if I cannot be you, who can I be? I am nothing in and of myself. I have the opportunity to make my world empty by choice, but if the world were made empty by default ... then who would I be? Who would you be? Who would God be? I doubt God would exist at all. No, let me rephrase that: I doubt anything would exist at all, if God did not exist. I have heard and recognized the profound aspect of others mourning, even my own mourning. But I have rarely heard or witnessed profound joy, in the way that I have witnessed profound sadness. Does that mean that joy is shallow for many? Does that mean that joy is so profound that it cannot be properly explained? It has been awhile since I have used writing as a medium to express joy. Why is that? I find joy in shallow objects. Perhaps not all of the objects themselves are shallow, but perhaps my observations of the objects are juvenile at best. Even when people express their joy of God, it is so predictable. They quote verses from The Bible - the Holy Book - God's words and not their own words. I have done the same, so know that I am not attempting to raise anarchy - there does not need to be even more internet activism, and Kony 2012 is proof of that. What am I getting at? I do not know. At least, I do not know right now. We make proclamations when we hear from God, but we hide when we listen to God.