It hasn't been easy keeping my eyes toward the heavens these days. Where the eyes wander, that is where the heart is. Or rather, where the eyes wander, these are the places where I want my heart to be. And the eyes wander to a lot of different places, but since the eyes are not omnipresent, it makes perfect sense that the heart is not found everywhere that is desired. But if I look toward ultimate reality, I might obtain the eyes of eternity. A good heart cannot be found in the world itself, as it exists metaphysically. Looking toward ultimate reality, God, is the first step(?)
Lately I've had this fear of falling into despair. Hopefully this present bridge won't collapse under the weight of future plans. I almost wish there weren't any plans. A world with only thinking and no action seems like bliss. I want for this night to be eternal. I just want to lay here and think so very intently or think so very little that I don't even have to think about it. But if God provides the day, the day has come. And as long as I come, the day is here ... dasein.
Whilst moseying in solitude last night, under the dark sky and between the cold air, I began to think about the pain that I've been suppressing. This pain has been with me for a year now. I have found myself tempted to rid myself of the pain, but I don't even want to do that. It seems as though I'm psychologically addicted to emotional pain. The pain itself is the closest thing I have to the cause of the pain, and I want the cause of the pain so badly because it once brought healing to me, therefore I hold onto the pain itself.
And is what I consider "the cause" actually the cause? Perhaps it's myself who is at fault? I am unsure. I'm not out to make accusations against other people, against other souls. It's just that it gets tiring praying, thinking, and writing about pain.
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