Singular Existence

Many moons ago, I wrote about the topic of my own existence. (laughs) Okay, I must admit, I have talked about that on more than a few occasions. And it is not because I am selfish (or is it?), but instead, it is because I want to work toward a good existence. My existence is undoubtedly progressing, at least, it is in some ways. Physically? Yes, I become older with every minute. Emotionally? Not really, I feel sad often times. These are not intense, extremely low moments of sadness, but it is a dull sadness. A dull, ongoing sadness. Spiritually? God knows better than I do. Mentally? One can hope. I am beginning to read more. Bought a book today: The Ethics of Ambiguity by Simone de Beauvoir. Regardless of these thoughts, I am on a search for God (Jeremiah 29:13), and these writings are the chronicles of my sojourning.

What did I want to write about? (yawn) That must be the beauty of grammatical calisthenics? Words perform front flips and back flips and dives, and they end up getting lost inside the abyss of foam. Or rather, the abyss of white. This page is white. The screen is (mostly) white.

Singular existence is so absurd to me. I never imagine myself as only being one person, nor do I usually imagine myself as being Graham. I do not imagine myself as being an individual or a singular soul. For years I have tried to convince myself that I am many souls. Individuality does not make sense to me.

I have learnt that this is dangerous. By assuming that I am more than one person, I have fallen into the assumption that I am every person. I have fallen into the assumption that every existing person must be like me. I have assumed that every person must share my convictions, beliefs, attractions, etc. Some days I think of myself as God, perhaps? Now, I do think that God has specific desires for humans in regard to convictions, beliefs, attractions, etc. That being said, I also believe that he gives people freedom to choose. To choose what he desires or to choose what he does not desire. This is purely a subjective observation, but I am also asserting that: God has specific desires for me that he does not assign to others, God has specific desires for others that he does not assign to me, God has specific desires that he assigns to all. But, humans do not have to choose God! Oh, the woe! Freedom is a formidable young brute, you know. Surely everything will not turn out well if there is a choice between good and evil?

At the end of the day, freedom is scary. Freedom does scare me. And I literally mean that when I say at the end of the day. It is in my states of physical tiredness that I experience great spiritual epiphanies, where some deep realities begin to surface. A reminder to myself: I am merely one individual. And as one individual I need to be careful with how I approach other individuals. More so, God's individuals. There are so many details! So many bits and pieces to this life. May I not mistaken myself as being the whole, but may I recognize that I am only a part.

"Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God. God is in Heaven and you are on Earth, so let your words be few."
Ecclesiastes 5:2