My Own Gospel

"Spiritual people" are some of the most frustrating people. What is worth noting, and what is also very ironic, is that the peacemakers are the ones who tend to frustrate the hell out of me and make my blood boil. I use the word "hell" here because my frustration conjures up evil thoughts among other impurities - not of God, but of the evil one. But perhaps the peacemakers are not to be blamed? After all, I am really only referring to one individual here (entirely based on their writings, I have never met this individual). By no means am I a warmonger. I would consider myself to be more inclined to act on peace rather than violence. At least, peace seems more attractive to me than violence does. Please know that it is my desire to be a peacemaker (insert obligatory smiley face here). And please know that I do fail.

Whatever the case may be, it sickens me how some people use God as a guise to promote their own gospel. Yet in all my feelings of intensity I have forgotten to ask, what I think is, a very important question. Do I use God as a guise to promote my own gospel?

I may never find an answer to this question. It is just so hard to see these days. As we live inside of these black clouds, it is extremely difficult to know the truth. How do I know the truth?

May(a) Cell - F

It's hard to actually imagine myself as myself. I have to try to be myself. I shouldn't have to try to be myself, this should just be natural! Shouldn't it? It's so rare that I am myself. I should just be myself, but instead, I try to be you. And in a sense I'm happy that I try to be you because, well, I really admire you. I take artifacts of your presence, and throw it underneath the husk that people recognize as being "Graham." I obsess over those artifacts. I was looking at them today. I hope I'll see more of you. Would I miss you even more if I didn't pretend to be you?

A Distaste for Unity

All of us must be lonely. The only reason we bring ourselves alongside others is because we are lonely. People cannot make it on their own. We cannot make it on our own because we are not our own. The lonely man tears the joy out of himself, while those of unity tear the joy out of others. That sounds terrible, but is it not true? The choice between satisfaction and morality - morality loses. Who gives up quicker, the lonely man or those of unity? Until I see God, I will be lonely. I may not always feel lonely, but until my soul separates from the flesh, and until I see God, I will not be entirely separated from loneliness. Unity is a chorus of birds, and loneliness is the nest that they abandoned.

The Window to the Soul

I cannot fathom how terrible it would be if God did not exist. Would morals exist?  Would purpose exist? It is my assertion that some people, many people, do not want God to exist so that they can have humanistic freedom, so that they can rid themselves of their conscience. Who exactly do we think we are? What a way to bastardize goodness! Humanistic freedom does have an end, and its name is death. But I suppose an individual in favor of humanism wouldn't have a problem with the temporal. As for me, I don't want what is temporary! In a sense, I don't even want what many call "freedom." I don't want the ability to choose between good and evil any longer. I want freedom from sin. If the eye is the window to the soul, may my soul be launched from the catapult and make its way through the window. May my soul no longer exist between vice and virtue but reach the point of absolute, irrefutable virtue. God, I ask a lot of questions. And I've found some answers to my questions, so I thank you for that. But why do the personal moments with you seem to be so lacking? I just want to feel joy! I just want to tremble with fear toward God! I just want to suffer for Christ! I just want to personally encounter you.

Stop Walking

The conscience is a river of purity. Immorality is a land of barrenness. Walk around your conscience, and you will be walking with the devil. Do not walk around your conscience, for you will be walking with the devil. You have walked around your conscience! And you are walking with the devil.

Thirst of the Spirit

Am I thirsty because I exist in the absence of God? Is my thirst due to the knowledge that the presence of God has not been revealed to me in its fullness, and that the fullness of the presence of God is what I am searching for?

Colour Book Mind

Jejune, just like the last June, it traps you. Light bleeds and it passes through the vacuum. The vacuum opens its mouth and spews away all our moments, the minutes, the days, the words we say. Say, haven't seen her for 9 months. My memory's a paint brush. Stroking and filling all of the empty spaces. But when the paint vanishes, than what's the replacement? Could her existence be mistaken for that of an apparition that I'm facing in my lonesome? Is my lonesome an abode that basks with all the broken? And is broken synonymous with permanence and indifference? Is indifference the separation between what is and what isn't? If separation died, the enemy would be an anomaly, and the anomaly would be a modern force in hypocrisy. The mistake I chose to make was viewing myself as the victim. We're all enemies therefore we all exist in a prison. We think the man in the cell is unknown to freedom, yet freedom is the reason he dwells in his cell. And I suppose the man knew freedom too well?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J0e3tNLqJrc&feature=c4-overview&list=UUVi8qTehZSFY-Hmxb4etQ-g