The Window to the Soul

I cannot fathom how terrible it would be if God did not exist. Would morals exist?  Would purpose exist? It is my assertion that some people, many people, do not want God to exist so that they can have humanistic freedom, so that they can rid themselves of their conscience. Who exactly do we think we are? What a way to bastardize goodness! Humanistic freedom does have an end, and its name is death. But I suppose an individual in favor of humanism wouldn't have a problem with the temporal. As for me, I don't want what is temporary! In a sense, I don't even want what many call "freedom." I don't want the ability to choose between good and evil any longer. I want freedom from sin. If the eye is the window to the soul, may my soul be launched from the catapult and make its way through the window. May my soul no longer exist between vice and virtue but reach the point of absolute, irrefutable virtue. God, I ask a lot of questions. And I've found some answers to my questions, so I thank you for that. But why do the personal moments with you seem to be so lacking? I just want to feel joy! I just want to tremble with fear toward God! I just want to suffer for Christ! I just want to personally encounter you.