heart, soul, chaos

I can see it. I can see the depression slowly walking toward me again. It's not that I'm necessarily weaving through personal, dystopian chaos, but I am troubled. I want to talk, but face to face communication without my notes is like taking a knife to a gunfight (Norma Jean reference). Anxiety is pretty usual for me, but lately it hasn't been so bad. Thank God for that! Thank God for happiness! And you know, I'm thankful for the other emotions too. Even the ones that are more difficult to deal with. Without emotions, I don't think I'd have my conscience. It didn't have to be that way, but that's how God designed it. Or at least, he allowed it. I don't want to put words inside the mouth of God. Every lie is like food caught between the teeth; it's uncomfortable and frankly, it's unattractive. He could have done it differently, but he didn't. I mean, he could have done anything, right? God, God, God, God, God, God, God. Would mercy be the same? Would compassion be the same? I usually feel mercy and compassion when I feel bad for another person. The greatest temptation within happiness is to submit to my own utopia. Don't submit to a utopia Graham, but seek the things above.

I can pretend that you're here, but the truth is you're not. The cherished souls I met on a small island in BC (does that sound like a fictitious book or what?); you are missed. I didn't want to turn you into my idols, but maybe I turned you into that. God works through people. He is the root. Nobody is great on their own, but God works great things through humans (whether they give thanks, or not). I believe that, so are you my idols? JPEGs, videos, letters, and emails are appreciated, but I lust after physical presence. It could be awhile until I see God (only he knows), so maybe that's why I lust after seeing God through physical properties. But they're not my properties (sigh). I am to own nothing within my greed-ridden self-constructed box. 

Why does God look at The Heart? I always thought The Soul to be of more significance. Desires come from the heart don't they? What if I have evil desires until the day I die? I thought that evil desires weren't necessarily sinful, unless they were acted upon. Am I wrong? I don't understand. God, you don't fit inside my brain. I sense that is a good thing, even though it hurts sometimes.